“Huge” Schedule Planned For Alternative Facts Night
Highlights Include Secret Tapes of Umpire Meetings, Free Admission For Those Bringing Tax Returns
San Rafael, CA – The 5 million people who have already purchased tickets to the San Rafael Pacifics “Alternative Facts Night” game on Saturday July 1st will witness what everyone is already calling “The Game of the Century”.
The team today announced a series of Executive Orders that will govern what the fans can expect when they attend:
· • The first 250 fans in attendance will receive Kyrie Irving “Globes”, perfect for hanging on the wall in your office or at home
· • One lucky fan will win a free CIA listening device (which can also cook a bag of popcorn in less than three minutes)
· • Free admission will be given to anyone who brings their 2016 tax returns
· • No one with a Hawaiian birth certificate will be eligible to play in the game
• All baseballs that travel over the wall in fair territory will be deported to their country of origin
• The Russian President will run unopposed in the mascot race
Fans also will have the opportunity to win discounts on beer with our “AHCA Bud Light Beer Batter.” If the AHCA Beer Batter strikes out, 22 million fans will lose their health insurance, but as a tax break will get a dollar off on Bud Light for the rest of the inning.
In the spirit of bipartisanship, we will also have the Democratic Party “Wimpy Wine Whiffer”. If the wine whiffer strikes out, the Democrats will make a dollar donation for a discount on Chronic Cellar wine for the rest of the inning.
Despite the fact that more tickets have been sold than have ever been sold to any sporting event in history, there are still seats available at pacificsbaseball.com.